Princess YaYa and the Bootie Queen

SUBTITLE – NO I’M NOT YELLING, THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK…

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET.  FOUND (SEMI) CLEAN INTERNET CAFE WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE, BUT THE KEYBOARD STICKS HORRIBLY.  SO, BEAR WITH ME.

AMMAN HAS BEEN NICE, BUT I AM SO (IF I COULD HAVE CAPITALIZED THAT “SO” INDEPENDENTLY FROM THE REST OF THE SENTENCE, I WOULD HAVE) READY TO BE BACK IN THE US.  I MISS MY CAR, AND THE FRESH AIR IN DALLAS.  OK, UNCLE MO, THE FRESH-ER AIR IN DALLAS.  I MISS WHOLE SIDEWALKS ON WHICH ONE CAN PUSH A STROLLER WITH RELATIVE EASE.  MOST OF ALL, I MISS REAL GERBER BABY WASH THAT AUCTUALLY SMELLS LIKE THE FRAGRANCE LISTED ON THE BOTTLE, AND AUTHENIC PAMPERS EVERYTHING.  YOU CAN SEND YOUR CARE PACKAGES TO:

HASHMI

ZUBAIDIA ST. #24

AMMAN, JORDAN….SHIT I DON’T KNOW THE POSTAL CODE.  OH WELL, IT WOULD PROBABLY GET HERE A WEEK AFTER I LEAVE ANYWAY.

ONE WOULD THINK IN A COUNTRY WHERE SOME WOMEN POP OUT BABIES LIKE CANDY FROM A PEZ DISPENSER, SOMEBODY (ANYBODY!) WOULD HAVE DISCOVERED THE MODERN MARVEL THAT IS THE PUBLIC BATHROOM CHANGING TABLE.  ALL I CAN GET HERE ARE SAUDI PRODUCED BAMBERS BECAUSE THERE IS NO “P” IN ARABIC.  THE BAMBER’S WIPES MADE YAYA’S TUSH BLEED.  YES, BLEED.  I PRAY EVERYTIME I TAKE HER OUT IN PUBLIC ITS ONLY #1 BECAUSE SHE HAS HAD “TODDLER” DIARREAH ALMOST OUR ENTIRE TRIP FROM SOME UN-NAMED CIGARETTE SMOKERS AND TEETHING.  ALTHOUGH I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING, TALKING, AND CHEWING GUM AT THE SAME TIME, I HAVE DIFFICULTY BALANCING MY SQUIRMY 14 MONTH OLD ON THE EDGE OF A SINK WHILE WITH MY RIGHT HAND ATTEMPTING TO SEAL UP THE TOXIC CONTENTS OF HER DIAPER FASTER THAN HER LITTLE FINGERS CAN GRAB IT AND DISPENSE THE CONTENTS EITHER ON ME, HERSELF, OR ANYWHERE ELSE, WHILE WASHING HER ROYAL BUM WITHOUT OBTAINING ANY MYSTERY STAINS.

IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE LACK OF THESE COMFORTS OF HOME, I WOULD SPEND THE MONTH OF AUGUST IN AMMAN HIDING OUT FROM THE TEXAS HEAT.    THE WEATHER HERE IS PRETTY SIMILAR TO A WISCONSIN SUMMER.  OH THAT’S RIGHT, THERE’S ALWAYS WISCONSIN.  PEOPLE SPEAK ENGLISH THERE AND YEILD TO PEDESTRIANS.  THE HOTTEST DAYS DON’T COMPARE TO THE AVERAGE SUMMER DAY IN DALLAS, AND A JACKET IS PRETTY MUCH STANDARD UNIFORM AT NIGHT.  MANY HOMES STILL DON’T HAVE AIRCONDITIONING, BUT WITH A FAN IT ISN’T REALLY NECESSARY.  MY HUSBAND WAS SURPRISED TO FIND MY MIL HAD AN AC UNIT INSTALLED A FEW WEEKS BEFORE WE ARRIVED.

THE CITY COULD GIVE NEW YORK A RUN FOR ITS MONEY.  I’M NEVER SURPRISED TO FIND TRAFFIC AND PACKED SIDEWALKS AT 2 OR EVEN 3 IN THE MORNING.  ALOT OF MONEY FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD IS BEING PUMPED INTO THE DEVELOPEMENT OF AMMAN.  THERE ARE AMAZING ARCHITECTURAL DEVELOPMENTS POPPING UP EVERYWHERE, HUGE BUSINESS DISTRICTS, AND LIFESTYLE COMMUNITIES. THE CRIME RATE HERE IS PRETTY LOW, IF NOT ALMOST NON EXISTANT.  I CAN GO SHOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, BY MYSELF, WITH NO HASSELS OTHER THAN THE OCCASIONAL HONK OR “HEY BLONDIE!” OR MY FAVORITE “MY MOM SHE WANT TO BUY ME A BRIDE”.  YEAH? TELL HER TO SHOP SOMEWHERE ELSE. 

DESPITE AMMAN’S FAST PACED METROPOLITAN APPEARANCE, THE PEOPLE ARE PRETTY LAID BACK.  THERE IS A VICTORIAN ERA CODE OF CONDUCT IN HOSPITALITY AND MARRIAGE, BUT PEOPLE ARE ALSO VERY WARM AND OPEN.  IT’S EASY TO MAKE FRIENDS HERE.  ONE WORD OF CAUTION: IF YOU ARE FAT, SLIGHTLY CHUBBY, OR THINK YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE ONE OF THE TWO, I WOULD SUGGEST TAKING A LOOK IN THE MIRROR PRIOR TO TAKING AN OUTWARD CONSULT.  PEOPLE WILL GIVE YOU THEIR OPINION WHETHER SOLICITED OR NOT ON YOUR WEIGHT AND APPEARANCE IN GENERAL, BE READY FOR IT.  IN THE ARABIC CULTURE, IT ISN’T RUDE, IT IS SIMPLY HONEST. 

“HI, HABIBTI! HOW ARE YOU?  KISS LEFT CHEEK, KISS KISS KISS RIGHT CHEEK   IN-TEE NAS-HA-KNEE.”  TRANSLATION: “YOU’RE FAT.”

I GENERALLY STAMMER AND TRY TO MOVE FORWARD WITH THE CONVERSATION “I’M GOOD, I MISSED YOU! HOW ARE YOU?”

“RIGHT?  YOU’RE FAT?”

“UH… YEAH, UM I GUESS A LITTLE? “

“YEAH, YOU’RE FAT. IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!”

FOR THE RECORD AND NOT THAT IT IS ANYONE’S BUSINESS, UPON TOUCH DOWN ON THIS PLANET, I WAS 2 KILOS (2.4 POUNDS) LIGHTER THAN MY LAST VISIT.  I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO MAKE NOTE OF THE FACT, I HAVE LOST 4.5 KILOS (AOUT 10 LBS) DURING MY VISIT, AND IF IN THE US I WOULD PROBABLY BE A SIZE 4 OR 6P AT ANNE TAYLOR LOFT (THAT ONE IS FOR YOU AUNTY).  THANK YOU MUCH…..

THE SIZING DIFFERENCE HERE IS A SORE POINT WITH ME.  I WENT FROM A SNUG SIZE 6 OR PERFECT 8P TO A REALLY REALLY SNUG, HAVE TO LAY ON THE FLOOR AND SQUEEZE AND SUCK IN, TEAR JERKING, SIZE 14 OVERNIGHT.  FASHION HERE IS ON PAR WITH ITALY.  MOST OF THE CLOTHES ARE ITALIAN IMPORTS OR TURKISH PRODUCED KNOCK OFFS WHICH MEANS, ALTHOUGH THE AVERAGE WOMAN HERE IS NO SMALLER THEN IN THE US (A QUICK NOTE: MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE DECLARED ME FAT ARE BIGGER THAN ME, MUCH BIGGER.  HA! SO THERE!) IT IS DIFFICULT TO FIND MY SIZE.  APPARENTLY ITALIANS ARE IMMUNE TO THE GLUCOSE NIGHTMARE THAT IS PASTA, AND THERE CLOTHING DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY STRETCH.  IN MOST STORES, IF I FIT THE CLOTHING, I AM BIG GIRL SIZE.  I SOMETIMES WONDER IF THE HIJAB IS WORN OUT OF RELIGEOUS CONVICTION, OR FASHION CONVENIENCE.  NOTE TO AUNTY: PROFITABLE NON TAXABLE OVERSEAS BUSINESS VENTURE IF INTERESTED - CLOTHING STORE IN AMMAN CARRYING IN VOGUE ”PLUS” SIZES. 

 ONE LAST QUICK NOTE: THE HAIRSTYLISTS HERE ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD.  DESPITE THE OBSTACLE OF HIJAB, MOST OF THEM ARE MEN.  THE EXCLUSIVE STYLIST FOR THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT WAS A JORDANIAN/ PALESTINIAN MAN FROM AMMAN.  AND GET THIS – THEY AREN’T EVEN GAY AT ALL.  I MISS MY BIG FAT FLAMING MEXICAN FROM TONY AND GUY (ERVAY, IF YOU’RE OUT THERE – WHERE ARE YOU?), BUT HE DOESN’T HOLD A CANDLE TO THE CHRIS DAUGHTRY LOOK ALIKE WHO DOES MY HAIR HERE.

ONE MORE LAST NOTE: NO PICS.  MY CAMERA WON’T CHARGE ON THEIR FUNKY OUTLETS…..NOT EVEN WITH A CONVERTER.  GOTTA FIND A COMPUTER WITH A SD PORT. ALSO, PLEASE EXCUSE MY LACK OF SPELL CHECK.